just asthma

But doctor they told me it was just asthma,
the atopic wheeze and mucus laden lungs I have lived with all my life
how can this be?
how can death be so close, they told me it was just asthma!

The tears doctor,
I shed them in anger
each one for the lost days ahead
for the ruined memories
and those I will leave behind.

But doctor they told me my heart was healthy,
strong as an ox, beating on like the drums during the rage of battle,
keeping the pace for eternity, locked in this chest below the shrapnel of war.

How can death be so close doctor,
why did they not tell me in No'Orleans,
I told them it wasn't asthma
and that steroids were not the cure.

Why doctor? Why?
I should have been a better patient,
I should have told them so!
No doctor I will not give up,
I will never give up, I am not a lost cause,
but doctor, they told me it was just asthma!

sleep now my father

sleep now my father
drift away into the catacombs,
you will find her there
your long lost love.

she passed far before you
and traveled leagues beyond,
yet in your mind she was always there
lost in the slow decay of synaptic transmission.

now you rest beyond our grasp
and what remains are the memories we keep
our lost transmissions
encoded in cerebral alchemy.

you survived holocaust and starvation
yet your greatest battle was her love and affection
for she scorned you in death
and marked you with the ink of guilt and regret.

your intellect lost deep in the cortex
yet your strength and rhythm never left you
for those belonged only to you;
she could not control that which she did not possess.

sleep now my father,
pass in gentle dreams of love and admiration
knowing that your fruit has grown strong and ripe.
rest now my father,
in the solice of their bond
a love born from devotion and pride.

banished

I smell your essence,
deep in my soul beyond reason,
induced only by this wretched intoxication.

Excise this wound:
drain the purulent memories,
the septic torment of your anguish.

Draw me closer no more,
for I banish you into the tortured recesses
of this diseased mind.

death of a student

Swirl the aroma ,
volatalize the tannin
inhale the fermintation and savor the love.

Know in this moment your distant place,
deep in the halls of suffering and salvation
a dark force where pain and torture is an honest form of healing.

She is lost in the distance
a joy of life and union for which you have sacrificed
will be your ultimate tug-of-life.

Slide the canula deep within the viscera
order the stab wounds and reap the defintive diagnosis
I speak the reality of disease:
a sound so fetid and scorned that as the syllables pass these lips
life ends and death begins.

You died on the slab today
I was only trying to prolong your eternal death
and you slipped beyond my controlling grasp.

How dare you escape into the light and warmth of heaven
I was not done with you, I had more pain to inflict, more questions to ask,
and far more insight to gain.

Did you not know you were my selfish pursuit, my academic endevour!
Read between the lines,
we foster mistakes
encourage exploration
in the wake of your loss, pain, suffering and death.

the doctor's daughter

The wine
still as darkness
in the glass,
the soundtrack
mixing the sounds
of life and art
in my mind.

Desiring silence,
yet loathing the fallen sun
for taking you away.

One moment your essence
visceral
the heartbeat eternal.
Next, miles from the pain
of the same distant breeze.

The doctor's daughter
the bronze goddess of passion-
I can't keep my mind off of you.

~j. allen

the depth of disease

seeing you there
beneath the cover of silken bliss
wrapped in the glow of lust

yearning is my disease

feeling tantric waves
the tidal fall of keratin
upon curves in duality

words upon pursed lips
inarticulate in the darkness
known only to the diseased

she wispers: I am your infection

you are the febrile response
the dilation of arterioles
the constriction of venules
arisen is the army of acid!

temporal effects in trance
the sequence known:
undulating peristalsis
writhing satisfaction
excitation-contraction coupling.

the deed to my end has been purchased

An irony teeming in life:
the personal choice of existence devoid in the creation of self,
yet the possession of the sinful ability to bring it to an end.

Lost are we in the divine decision to conceive,
yet that same divinity will cast us to the depths;
eternal despair, desolation, and damnation
through the autonomic hand of deaths delusion.

The desire for an end,
[think not the mechanism through melancholy and insanity]
such that the ebb and flow no longer justify an earthly existence,
when life, which was created in divinity has gone awry.
[What then mighty mitral?]

When tissue and genome run amok,
the ethereal architecture dissolved and diseased,
metastatic and pleomorphic as the seedlings spread roots
far beyond the grasp of vascular surveillance.
Suffering for the sins of the acid core,
and the translation of truncated oncogenic abnormality.

Why then should one wait for the fetid end?
Paying the debt owed in creation?
Baring the cross of heavenly transit?

Eternities road is not my burden,
nor my cross to bare!
The deed to my end has been purchased,
the financial transaction as the crown breached the womb.

a reality of fallability

I ponder now upon this state,
a former position,
that of the humbled man;
a reality of fallability.

One moment the master of minutia,
the next, silenced by the hand of genetic correlation
and the dominant inheritance calculation.

Yet, I bask now in the wisdom of those around me,
who speak of faculties needed far beyond the utility
of aneuploidy.

The word of a confidant-lover,
a friend and collegue,
can lift a broken man above the deletion in spirit.

Be it bleeding scarlet or burned on the whites
of pulp and paper,
I once again see the banality of a letter,
the jaded belief of eternity guilded,
in the biased singular extension of limitless destiny!

burning bush

You live in the deception,
that the flock of wandering sheep
believe in your jaded ideology of guns, gays and God.
Yet, I no longer allow you the privledge
of perpetrating your moral scheme.
Steal not my God!

You are not the architect
of the rightous moral vision,
those who whisper your doctrine
speak in forked tongue and fetid breath.

You are not the architect
of a peaceful world vision,
for you build not upon a foundation
of understanding and hope.

You have stolen my God,
through words of deceit
(faith, belief, morals)
and slogans of slander
(hatred of freedom, love of war).

I now return my God to his throne,
and his son to the mighty reign of his left!

For I see my God in her eyes;
my eternal love and devotion.
Her pure desire to protect his divine earthly creation,
to preserve his handedness
in this natural verdant planet.

Speak of that to the flock,
the beauty of God's earth,
created in the first days of genesis,
and maybe then you will understand the meaning of conviction!

~j. allen

dying touch

frail hands before me
the cold touch of spasmodic impulses
the purple and black reaction
of the dying crescendo.

holding your hands marks the cold flesh:
loss of the warm bath of blood,
the viscous nutrients starve the sensation
burning the finger-tips away as the wick of a flame.

the love embrace of intertwined digits
replaced by the desquamations disfiguring mark
masking the beauty of tactile intimacy.

~ j. allen

contamination

where have all the liberals gone?
why have they been cast to the outer limits of human understanding?
do we not all bleed of patriotic pride in our heritage?
why then, can we not cross examine the doctrines of society
without the scourge and wrath of the rightous?

allow me to ask questions of the high order of skull and bones;
never having basked in the glow of a sacred fire
nor walked the hallowed halls of the league of ivy and fraternity,
yet my heart has earned the respect of intellect
believing that my inquisitions demand action and response!

do not silence the green world which i believe grows in us all
a fundamental ideology of peace, equality and justice,
yet the rightous proclaim a monopoly on the tenenants of the oath and law of scouts,
mere boys who recognize the fallacy in the rightous arguement,
the banal ramblings and greedy consumption of global neocons.

deception

I will remain forever silent,
bottled inside a sphere of deceit and deception,
I fester and ache.

Sprawled out
heart open on the dissection table:
Do you see the part labeled with your name?
The tissue that beats only for you,
the ventricle through which blood nourishes and lust infects?

I inscribe your name there,
branded in this moment of bitter pain and sorrow.

~j. allen

glaze

was it so wrong of me to deliver
the dozen krispy kreme's -
the glaze, colored revelry of sprinkled
visually increasing glycemic index's -
to the doctor's and nurses
on the second floor?

never mind the diabetic patient
waiting in the lounge for the news
on the numbers,
anxious for the results;
pondering through the haze
of the retinopathic glaze.

never mind the man,
arteries sludging along
whose lipids have waged war
upon the gentle beat;
he won't mind
pass him a fritter
and a little something for his liver.

~ j. allen

see the darkness in emotion

Systemic Septic Depression

Ask her a question,
seek the knowledge of her ills and pain.
Take the first steps down the healing path.

Yet, when she reveals
the depth of her loss
and the void created in death,
you bypass her heart,
appealing instead to her visible scars,
and the alchemy on the differential:

Insomnia,
loss of the will to see into the future,
absence of the feeling of life;
“the spark that burned in my heart, it (he) has died Doctor,
please give me a tincture and potion to absolve death and cure despair.”

Answer her pleas O’ great master of the healing arts!
The loss now is yours,
the medical mind keen to the symptoms,
yet your hands merely treat the epidermal wounds;
local anesthetic, apply salve of wavering sympathy,
sterile gauze, wait for the tears to dry and the emotion to clot.

Could you be that fearful of your own mortality?
Is that the excuse?
Doctor, you missed the mark,
the saline tears spoke the true illness,
burdened below the “pain in my back and shortness of breath.”

Your script will never heal her,
she is gone now to the septic death – depression –systemic.

~j. allen