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4.26.2006

my limbic fantasy

Burning for you is my constant state
aching within the feral depths
desiring the carnal knowledge of your body:
I want to consume your essence.

The mind a continuous reel of erotic cinematography
a constant reminder of bliss;
yet a dismal torment in this passionate plane.

Break me of this tortuous cycle,
you have become my fetish
the leather and bondage of my mind
an unholy desire to fufill.

Lingerie and lace
black silk fingertips tracing
my hearts synchronous beats:
you are the drummer keeping time.

You pull my strings
the synaptic connections to the sensual core,
the olfactory stimulous
my limbic fantasy.

4.23.2006

all bleeding stops

A plea to the mothers and fathers:
she is small and weak
a fragile mind encased in an immature shell
she lacks the ability to reason
she is devoid of decision making and action taking.

Thus, you are her hands and strength
you alone are breath and brain
and you alone are the protector of life.

If for even a moment you shirk from your duty,
if for a moment you digress into the days of bedlum
then you succomb to her fate.

You will stand watching strangers
pound life through her chest
bleed bright red blood into her veins
infuse artificial sustinence
and force her little body to live through more pain
at the hands of your stupidity.

An object at rest tends to stay at rest,
while an object in motion tends to stay in motion.

Thus, your child, unrestrained
hurling through life encased in a death machine
speeding toward a rapid deceleration
will tend to stay in motion.

Ejected towards solids, glass, rock, stone, plastic, and synthetic
which rip, tear, shear, impail, abrase, amputate, and mangle.

All bleeding stops eventually.

Prayer will not save you,
do not utter those words in this den of death and pain
he/she/it/they cannot hear your cries and wails within these walls
they are encased in deaths grasp through miles of lead and anger.

Your penence should be sterility,
you failed at your duty and role as protector
you had your chance
when others would die trying to even concieve.

Your punishment should be to join the other watchers,
and see the harm and destruction to which others succomb.
Pin your eye lids open
infuse you with amphetamine
for the twenty-four hour wrath which traverses these doors.

Synapse your cortex with the images
of pain
of their mangled bodies
watching every spilled drop of blood
as life and joy escape their hearts and minds.

For, all bleeding stops eventually.

4.07.2006

traumatic amputation

The pager squeals
through the darkness.
I make my way
and prepare for another changed life.

The words over the radio:
"two year old...traumatic amputation...massive blood loss...ejection...motor vehicle."

Instantaneous fear and dread.

Check my vitals: tachycardia.

Nothing prepares my eyes
nor my memory for the horror.

Wheel her in:
seeping death
a muted cry for help.

Instructions:
1. Insert the artificial sustenance
2. Transfuse life-relieve pain-induce sedation.

We all stand
seemingly in silence,
awed by the shear destruction a hurling mass of metal
and the failure of parental responsibility can create.

She is broken,
the deepest story of travesty
an epic Shakespearean tragedy:
the sanguine plastic
encasing the lost ability
to run into a father's arms.

Scrub away the pain and prepare
the operating room
for it will take all our strength
to heal this tiny angel.

I cry out to the Devils and Gods:
give me the strength
give me the presence of mind
to mend the wounds of her catastrophe.

3.08.2006

labor and delivery

wrapped in fluorescent lighting
swathed in the bonnet of death
closeted/hidden from the eyes and minds of the healers
unspoken anguish in room seven twelve

the panicked breaths of the impending birth
pushing through the pain
her vulva swollen and expanding with the muscular force
the feedforward mechanism expunging life.

entering consciousness through darkness
bathed in bloodshed and agony
augmented by technology and acoustic harmony
she breaths through the pain

she lies there in exhaustion
the fragrance of afterbirth wafts
she whimpers once more
as the cry of youth engulfs the room

1.11.2006

reason for consult

I want to revolt
from the banality of humanity:
the selfish greed to dominate life
and the immature drive to wealth.

I want to tear my heart from its bony encasement
as I watch you die the slow death of misery and self loathing.
Your social failure in our American dream
is a fallacy of the delusions of right and wrong and religion.

I do not know your crimes
and frankly it is of no consequence
for the tears of lost death, the anguish of another living day
speak to me of the volumes of damage your "correction" has inflicted.

Your soul and mind belong to the system,
for we torment you with life
among the stench and filth
behind concrete walls and razor wire.

My industrial system of technology
has kept your fetid soul alive:
the mechanical ventilation
our sedative/hypnotics and anti-psychotics.

I watch your carcass chained to the gurney
wrenching and twisting to free the dying mind
from the prison of your body
drawing blood as a last resort to escape into death.

11.16.2005

latex and lace

black lace encasing your devine mold
watching stilletto movements in the candles darkness
a thought arises of the method
(the plan of attack)

the petals of clothing falling
a flowers decay
to reveal the butterfly below

(a spousal warmth known only by the ring bearer)
he quivers at the touch
a rhythmic throbbing of pain
the ache of anticipation

an aroma embeded in the cortex
now a reflex to suckle and root
as the grip strengthens and limbs flex closer

pleasure on the horizon
her eyes fixed on the inner lids
lips trapped beneath the clench of teeth

soon the lordotic posture of release
as the mist runs between the finger-tips
loves scent between the blank sheets
lingers as a reminder of our biologic deed.

11.02.2005

celestial

icy fingertips trace the path
lurking down the recesses of human being
deaths grip is in our midst
beyond the bevy of technology and hope
devoid in the intravenous chemistry of resuscitation

i held your hand in a single moment of pain and anguish
now i mentate on my role in your final days
did you think of me as another bearer of pain and demise
or were my words and human touch a moment of solace

i watched you suffer in that final eternity
a fetid decline of retching infection
your spine a literal open book weeping with death

now i stand watching your terminal agony
devoid of solitude and peace
no maam, we will not let you die, we will destroy that peaceful passage into the night
your death is a concert of clinical effort
a blitzkrieg of pharmacology
an impersonal symphony of the algorithm of pulseless death

the battle ends in a whisper
a warrior prepares for the next onslaught
the river of emotion, the tears of loss, another motherless daughter

your pain now beats in my chest
sunken in the depths of cortical reason
a mental checkmark on the path of clinical education

9.28.2005

just asthma

But doctor they told me it was just asthma,
the atopic wheeze and mucus laden lungs I have lived with all my life
how can this be?
how can death be so close, they told me it was just asthma!

The tears doctor,
I shed them in anger
each one for the lost days ahead
for the ruined memories
and those I will leave behind.

But doctor they told me my heart was healthy,
strong as an ox, beating on like the drums during the rage of battle,
keeping the pace for eternity, locked in this chest below the shrapnel of war.

How can death be so close doctor,
why did they not tell me in No'Orleans,
I told them it wasn't asthma
and that steroids were not the cure.

Why doctor? Why?
I should have been a better patient,
I should have told them so!
No doctor I will not give up,
I will never give up, I am not a lost cause,
but doctor, they told me it was just asthma!

9.24.2005

sleep now my father

sleep now my father
drift away into the catacombs,
you will find her there
your long lost love.

she passed far before you
and traveled leagues beyond,
yet in your mind she was always there
lost in the slow decay of synaptic transmission.

now you rest beyond our grasp
and what remains are the memories we keep
our lost transmissions
encoded in cerebral alchemy.

you survived holocaust and starvation
yet your greatest battle was her love and affection
for she scorned you in death
and marked you with the ink of guilt and regret.

your intellect lost deep in the cortex
yet your strength and rhythm never left you
for those belonged only to you;
she could not control that which she did not possess.

sleep now my father,
pass in gentle dreams of love and admiration
knowing that your fruit has grown strong and ripe.
rest now my father,
in the solice of their bond
a love born from devotion and pride.

9.23.2005

banished

I smell your essence,
deep in my soul beyond reason,
induced only by this wretched intoxication.

Excise this wound:
drain the purulent memories,
the septic torment of your anguish.

Draw me closer no more,
for I banish you into the tortured recesses
of this diseased mind.

9.22.2005

death of a student

Swirl the aroma ,
volatalize the tannin
inhale the fermintation and savor the love.

Know in this moment your distant place,
deep in the halls of suffering and salvation
a dark force where pain and torture is an honest form of healing.

She is lost in the distance
a joy of life and union for which you have sacrificed
will be your ultimate tug-of-life.

Slide the canula deep within the viscera
order the stab wounds and reap the defintive diagnosis
I speak the reality of disease:
a sound so fetid and scorned that as the syllables pass these lips
life ends and death begins.

You died on the slab today
I was only trying to prolong your eternal death
and you slipped beyond my controlling grasp.

How dare you escape into the light and warmth of heaven
I was not done with you, I had more pain to inflict, more questions to ask,
and far more insight to gain.

Did you not know you were my selfish pursuit, my academic endevour!
Read between the lines,
we foster mistakes
encourage exploration
in the wake of your loss, pain, suffering and death.

5.09.2005

the doctor's daughter

The wine
still as darkness
in the glass,
the soundtrack
mixing the sounds
of life and art
in my mind.

Desiring silence,
yet loathing the fallen sun
for taking you away.

One moment your essence
visceral
the heartbeat eternal.
Next, miles from the pain
of the same distant breeze.

The doctor's daughter
the bronze goddess of passion-
I can't keep my mind off of you.

~j. allen

3.01.2005

the depth of disease

seeing you there
beneath the cover of silken bliss
wrapped in the glow of lust

yearning is my disease

feeling tantric waves
the tidal fall of keratin
upon curves in duality

words upon pursed lips
inarticulate in the darkness
known only to the diseased

she wispers: I am your infection

you are the febrile response
the dilation of arterioles
the constriction of venules
arisen is the army of acid!

temporal effects in trance
the sequence known:
undulating peristalsis
writhing satisfaction
excitation-contraction coupling.

2.22.2005

the deed to my end has been purchased

An irony teeming in life:
the personal choice of existence devoid in the creation of self,
yet the possession of the sinful ability to bring it to an end.

Lost are we in the divine decision to conceive,
yet that same divinity will cast us to the depths;
eternal despair, desolation, and damnation
through the autonomic hand of deaths delusion.

The desire for an end,
[think not the mechanism through melancholy and insanity]
such that the ebb and flow no longer justify an earthly existence,
when life, which was created in divinity has gone awry.
[What then mighty mitral?]

When tissue and genome run amok,
the ethereal architecture dissolved and diseased,
metastatic and pleomorphic as the seedlings spread roots
far beyond the grasp of vascular surveillance.
Suffering for the sins of the acid core,
and the translation of truncated oncogenic abnormality.

Why then should one wait for the fetid end?
Paying the debt owed in creation?
Baring the cross of heavenly transit?

Eternities road is not my burden,
nor my cross to bare!
The deed to my end has been purchased,
the financial transaction as the crown breached the womb.

2.15.2005

a reality of fallability

I ponder now upon this state,
a former position,
that of the humbled man;
a reality of fallability.

One moment the master of minutia,
the next, silenced by the hand of genetic correlation
and the dominant inheritance calculation.

Yet, I bask now in the wisdom of those around me,
who speak of faculties needed far beyond the utility
of aneuploidy.

The word of a confidant-lover,
a friend and collegue,
can lift a broken man above the deletion in spirit.

Be it bleeding scarlet or burned on the whites
of pulp and paper,
I once again see the banality of a letter,
the jaded belief of eternity guilded,
in the biased singular extension of limitless destiny!

11.04.2004

burning bush

You live in the deception,
that the flock of wandering sheep
believe in your jaded ideology of guns, gays and God.
Yet, I no longer allow you the privledge
of perpetrating your moral scheme.
Steal not my God!

You are not the architect
of the rightous moral vision,
those who whisper your doctrine
speak in forked tongue and fetid breath.

You are not the architect
of a peaceful world vision,
for you build not upon a foundation
of understanding and hope.

You have stolen my God,
through words of deceit
(faith, belief, morals)
and slogans of slander
(hatred of freedom, love of war).

I now return my God to his throne,
and his son to the mighty reign of his left!

For I see my God in her eyes;
my eternal love and devotion.
Her pure desire to protect his divine earthly creation,
to preserve his handedness
in this natural verdant planet.

Speak of that to the flock,
the beauty of God's earth,
created in the first days of genesis,
and maybe then you will understand the meaning of conviction!

~j. allen

10.14.2004

dying touch

frail hands before me
the cold touch of spasmodic impulses
the purple and black reaction
of the dying crescendo.

holding your hands marks the cold flesh:
loss of the warm bath of blood,
the viscous nutrients starve the sensation
burning the finger-tips away as the wick of a flame.

the love embrace of intertwined digits
replaced by the desquamations disfiguring mark
masking the beauty of tactile intimacy.

~ j. allen

10.07.2004

contamination

where have all the liberals gone?
why have they been cast to the outer limits of human understanding?
do we not all bleed of patriotic pride in our heritage?
why then, can we not cross examine the doctrines of society
without the scourge and wrath of the rightous?

allow me to ask questions of the high order of skull and bones;
never having basked in the glow of a sacred fire
nor walked the hallowed halls of the league of ivy and fraternity,
yet my heart has earned the respect of intellect
believing that my inquisitions demand action and response!

do not silence the green world which i believe grows in us all
a fundamental ideology of peace, equality and justice,
yet the rightous proclaim a monopoly on the tenenants of the oath and law of scouts,
mere boys who recognize the fallacy in the rightous arguement,
the banal ramblings and greedy consumption of global neocons.

9.29.2004

deception

I will remain forever silent,
bottled inside a sphere of deceit and deception,
I fester and ache.

Sprawled out
heart open on the dissection table:
Do you see the part labeled with your name?
The tissue that beats only for you,
the ventricle through which blood nourishes and lust infects?

I inscribe your name there,
branded in this moment of bitter pain and sorrow.

~j. allen

9.23.2004

glaze

was it so wrong of me to deliver
the dozen krispy kreme's -
the glaze, colored revelry of sprinkled
visually increasing glycemic index's -
to the doctor's and nurses
on the second floor?

never mind the diabetic patient
waiting in the lounge for the news
on the numbers,
anxious for the results;
pondering through the haze
of the retinopathic glaze.

never mind the man,
arteries sludging along
whose lipids have waged war
upon the gentle beat;
he won't mind
pass him a fritter
and a little something for his liver.

~ j. allen